Compassion

There are situations in life which test our ability to be the people we want to be. Over the past few weeks, I have been facing a situation like this at work - a situation which makes me angry, upset, and despairing for the validity of all the work I have done here over the last 16 months.


Now, in a work setting, I am an extremely professional person: I pride myself on behaving rationally, without prejudice or emotion and with fairness and consistency. Meetings and workplace clashes in recent weeks have tested this ability, but, nonetheless, I think I've managed to remain calm, I've focused on achieving the desired outcome and I've sidestepped the temptation (in fact, in many cases, the explicit invitation) to get bogged down in personal disputes and blame games.


But that's not the test I'm talking about. Let me explain. Yes, in a professional sense, I have been tested and, I think, I have passed. But the greater test is my human response to all of this. I can succeed at making it through a highly tense and aggressive 4 hour meeting without losing my patience, but just because I have managed to suppress my emotional reactions to the things which are taking place, doesn't mean they don't exist: the anger, the upset, the disappointment, even - I can't decide whether this is too strong a word - the hatred which have bubbled up inside me, have to go somewhere. And, what I've realised these past few weeks, is that they do go somewhere - if I push all of those emotions deep down inside of me, that's where they stay (I suppose it's not rocket science). And that's not healthy. What am I supposed to do with that? As I walk out of a successful meeting, how do I deal with the knot of negativity in my stomach? Surely the answer to remaining professional isn't that I go home at the end of the day to weep and yell at my husband?! No, it can't be. Surely the real answer is not to feel these things in the first place, but instead to be able to look at things from the other person's perspective, understand them, forgive them - be compassionate. That's the person I want to be, and that's the person I'm struggling to be.


I've recently discovered the Dalai Lama. I don't mean I've found him hiding in a cave in Northern Nigeria - I mean I've come to realise (through the magic of Twitter, incidentally - @DalaiLama) that he has some hugely valid things to say and advice to offer about how I could better live my life. It's not a religious thing (I naturally resist belonging to any such institution, and my lack of belief in anything supernatural, including reincarnation, will, I think, preclude me from ever claiming to be a Buddhist), but more of a someone-talking-sense thing. Like Obama, or Eddie Izzard, or Jamie Oliver, or Bob Geldof, or my old boss: when people talk sense, when they say things that resonate with you, that seem to answer questions you've been holding onto, you naturally start listening and turning to them for guidance.


Anyway, the point is, his main message is one of compassion - he teaches that we should rid ourselves of the negative and destructive emotions of anger and hatred, and instead, practice empathy and compassion. Now that's all very well, but what about justice? What about fairness? What about when others are hurting you or those around you? How do you prevent yourself from just becoming a doormat who doesn't stand up for anything? Surely anger - a sense of outrage at injustice - has been a powerful driving force for change in all of human history. If I just love and understand people who are doing harm, what motivates me to do anything about it?


I know there must be a middle ground. I know it's not an either/or situation. I know I should be able to gain some inner calm by empathising and showing compassion for others, while still taking a stand where necessary to prevent harm being done. But I'm not that person yet. Right now, I'm a very angry person, hurt and upset by the injustice and the futility of my efforts in the face of those who are destroying or blocking them, and unable to take any positive action about it without a side order of negativity.

The things I'm going to miss about Nigeria, Part I

As well as making sure I remember that there are things I love about the UK, I also want to make sure that I don't forget or leave behind in Nigeria everything which has been wonderful about my experience here. No list for now, just a little story.


The other day I was being driven home in one of the funder's vehicles. It was a driver I didn't know very well so when it came out in conversation that I don't drive, even at home, he was shocked (as are most people here). "Well why don't you learn here?". As I have many times before, I geared myself up to explain why that wouldn't really work, and, as always, worried about how I could do so without saying "Because you guys drive like crazy people". 


"Well," I said, as we turned off the main road, "some things about driving in Nigeria are very different from driving in the UK. You see how you just flashed your lights at the oncoming traffic to tell them that you were going to turn and they should stop? Well, in the UK, that would mean that you're allowing them to come through and you'll wait to turn. You see? If I learnt to drive Nigerian style, when I go home I could have some serious accidents." He concurred. "And you know how Nigerian drivers use the horn all the time to let people know you're coming through, or.. well, for any reason at all really? Well, at home we only really use the horn when someone's done something wrong." He nodded. Finally, cautiously so that it wouldn't sound judgemental, I ventured, "And, you know, Nigerians drive more by instinct, whereas British roads are a little more...regemented." He seemed satisfied with my answer.


As I walked across the courtyard to my front door, that phrase repeated in my mind, and it occurred to me that it encapsulates what has been so beautiful about living here: Nigerian's live more by instinct, whereas in Britiain, we're more regemented. I hope I can learn to live with fewer rules.

Food and other things I'm looking forward to (but mainly food)

I think that when I end my placement and return to the UK in December, I'm going to have mixed feelings about it. There will be moments when I am overjoyed by having all the things I have missed all these months, but a huge part of me will miss Nigeria enormously and will be overwhelmed with the idea of growing up and getting a job, house etc. So I've decided it would be a good idea to make a record of all the things I miss out here, so that I can look back and remember why I'm choosing to live in the UK. So here goes...

• Friends and family, obviously - that goes without saying
• Nice, bouncy mattresses, duvets and proper pillows that aren't as hard as stone
• Journeys which don't make me doubt whether I'm going to be alive when I reach my destination
• Rain which doesn't bring everything to a halt
• Cheese, in its many varieties
• MUSHROOMS!! And while we're on food...
• Celeriac, fennel, BROCCOLI!!, dark green leafy vegetables, spinach that tastes right, proper yoghurt, cottage cheese, squash, dark chocolate, prawns, sandwiches, wholegrain bread, bacon, cured meats (ah prosciutto, chorizo, salami - even a pepperami would do), lovely big juicy garlic cloves, low fat spread that's real enough to need refrigerating, cheap apples, plums, orange oranges, pears, liquid milk (skimmed milk!)
• A reliable electricity supply
• The miracle of drinkable tap water
• Washing up in warm water, and, more significantly, water that doesn't smell of sewage
• Leaving doors and windows open without worrying about mosquitoes
• The NHS
• Landline telephones
• Weekend papers - an actual real, paper version to hold, and smell and read
• Debit cards
• Health and safety laws (yes - think on, those people who feel they have got out of hand in the UK: you should try living without any at all - it's exhausting)
• Feeling really, properly, bitterly cold

Well, that's all I can think of for now. And, if I'm honest, I was trying to make the list longer so that it will be more of a comfort to me when I leave. But if it was a list of things I'm really struggling without, on a good day I think I could relatively easily whittle that lot down to just three: 1. Friends and family, 2. the NHS and 3. Mushrooms (who knew?!).