Marriage

I’ve been having a few conversations with Nigerians about marriage recently.

The men at one of our offices take great pleasure in trying to wind me up, by saying that they’re going to make a real man out of Simon: that he should be in charge and I should submit to him. When I protest, they shrug and say “That’s our culture.” I point out to them that I understand but that it’s not my culture and that I was born, raised and married in a different culture.

One man came into the middle of a meeting I was having the other day, and asked me where my husband was. Now there are two Hausa words for husband – ‘megida’ and ‘miji’. I knew this. What I didn’t realize until a colleague explained it to me at that point, was that ‘miji’ just means husand; but ‘megida’ actually means head of the household (literally ‘master’ (me) of the ‘house’ (gida)).

I told the man that there was no head of our household, that we were both equal. “Ah, but only one person can drive a car.” (Nigerians like stories and metaphors). Yes, but when that person gets tired, the passenger can take over and become the driver – you can share the responsibility. He thought for a second. “Ah, but a ship only has one captain!”. Ok, but this isn’t a ship. “Someone has to be in front – you can’t be side by side.” And it seemed to really irk him that, in my marriage, both parties are equal. 

Finally, I told him my husband was in the office, and he should go and ask him who’s in charge. He shook his head. “No, but he will say what you say, because” – and at this point he made a gesture like adjusting two volume knobs at the same time – “you have been programming him”.  Honestly.

I’m glad to say that my female colleague also disagreed with him and is perfectly clear that both she and her husband see their marriage as a partnership. Thank God!

I think this attitude (which I’m told is African, rather than just a Nigerian) has to do with the obsession with hierarchy here. It is simply inconceivable to most Nigerians that two people could stand side by side and be equal in something: a Nigerian always knows whether he is hierarchically above or below the person standing next to him. (This also explains some of the difficulty I’ve had in delivering training on ‘peer mentoring’!)

The other night, we had a couple of beers on our porch with our neighbour, Tony. He has recently moved in because he was transferred (by the bank he works for) from the South East to Kaduna. His pregnant wife and two small children are still living in the South East and he visits them once a month.

I told Tony about my conversations about marriage, and he told me that it often has to do with the man not wanting to appear ‘weak’. If a man is equal to his wife, in Nigerian culture this makes him not a real man. He was explaining to us that although he would say his marriage is a partnership, when they are in public, they try to make it look like he is in charge (for example, his wife was mortified when he swept the floor while she had friends in the house!).

He also amused us by reminding us that, when he had just moved in, we were pottering around on our porch and I said to him something like ‘You must come over and have a beer with us some time’. Apparently, this shocked him: that a woman should do the inviting and that that her invitation should involve alcohol was new to him! He told his wife on the phone that night “I have some white neighbours and the woman invited me over for a drink!”

“What?! Why didn’t the husband invite you?”

“He was sweeping.”